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Well, another episode of Bakacast is complete, but now is not a time for celebration. Jon is missing, and the only clue I have is a ransom note left under one of his Rei figurines. I’ll transcribe the whole thing here, so maybe you listeners can help us get him back.
To the pitiful human degenerates calling themselves Project Haruhi,
My dear sister, Kneesocks, and I have taken your leader hostage. Seeing as your minds are likely too clogged with filth to process why this has happened–a trait you share with certain angels I’m unfortunately acquainted with–I’ll explain in the simplest terms possible.
You are liars. You’ve repeatedly called me and my sister “villains” with no evidence to back up such claims. In fact, there’s far more evidence to suggest Panty and Stocking, the two “heroes” that so many brain-dead humans like yourselves slobber over, are the ones in the wrong. Wherever they go, they leave chaos and sewage in their wake. Their vulgar habits and language obliterate what little beauty was mercifully granted to them. And, worst of all, they flagrantly disregard the rrrrrrules of elegant society.
This is not the first time you’ve proven yourselves incapable of intelligent thought. First, we only lost our beach volleyball battle because the referee was biased toward the blonde bimbo, which was such a gross violation of the rrrrrrules that any sensible person would say we won by default. Second the characters in Iron Man shouldn’t be mocked for their idiocy, since they’re accurately mimicking how all humans behave. The fact that Squid Girl so easily entertained you with a story about a child playing with an umbrella proves it. Third, you created the word “bro-bath” out of wholecloth simply to describe the perceived homosexual undertones of Star Driver; our more refined minds, however, can tell you such things only exist within the confines of your perverted imaginations.
In fact, as Kneesocks and I thought about the podcast you just recorded (your communications were laughably easy to bug, by the way), we realized the only thing any of you got right was calling our theme song the best one on the upcoming Panty & Stocking soundtrack.
If you want your friend back, you will retract your false statements about me and my sister and publicly apologize for your insolence. Don’t worry, he’ll be kept safe until you inevitably accede to our request. Unlike those fallen angels, we care about our reputation.
While we figure out a way to save Jon, maybe you’d like to find out first-hand what we said about:
- OreImo #9
- Panty & Stocking #9
- Otome Youkai Zakuro #9
- Iron Man #9
- Squid Girl #8
- Star Driver #9
You can find our written reviews of these shows here.
Also, I should thank MLPnox (who was not, as I suggest in the episode, a Twitter account made up by Jon in the spur of the moment) for the My Little Pony question. Because of you, I managed to convince Glen and Larry to review the pilot episode with me on the next Bakacast.
You’ve done well, my friend.